INNER DEMONS
My efforts to contribute to this journal have been lacking to say the least, but it's not from a lack of activity. Closer to the truth it's more a lack of progress and the unearthing of burdens I do not wish to bear. The sad truth, and one I'm loathe to concede, is that I'm considering throwing in the towel.
I began meditating in early 2005, and there's a reason it's called a discipline. It takes practice and is a progression. I genuinely believed I was drawing closer to God as I learned to focus more deeply, but as has become a theme, the path has been fraught with difficulty. When I first began my search in 2000, I looked outwardly upon God's presence in the world and was humbled by the desolate silence. Unlike my search in 2000, the journey inward since my initial non-dual experience has not been fruitless. But at least a part of me desperately wishes it were.
Somehow I've managed to uncover demons within myself for which I have little answer, and now that this box has been opened it cannot be shut.
It wasn't so bad initially. At first I simply reawakened a thirst for God I hadn't known since before my loss of faith. This was a welcomed change and one that pleased me deeply, but it was followed by another that ruthlessly squelched all my joy and cast me down into dark recesses in my mind, places I do not visit, places from which I honestly despair of escaping.
It's clear the demons we cast into the depths of our minds never actually go anywhere. They just stew in the darkness and occasionally erupt into the conscious landscape in dreams or compulsions. It's hard to know where to begin when it comes time to face something so deep and old that its history is inextricably woven into my very ideas about who I am. About who God is.
Why does any of this matter? It matters because a person's inner demons are no joke, because they can threaten to undermine every good thing one's ever cared about. I write because I cannot, will not ever allow that to happen. Old wounds, vulnerabilities that were preyed upon, the twisted sense of identity that wraps its tendrils around childhood sexual trauma...what has emerged in me must never see the light of day.
In contemplating the emergence of this demon, it hasn't escaped my attention that I buried it along with my faith back in 2000, only to find it reemerge when God approached me last year. In thinking back to my previous life with God, it occurred to me that union with and even dependence upon God requires a submission that triggers vivid memories and unconscious responses associated with the trauma. This is intolerable, a seemingly direct and insurmountable stumbling block thwarting the communion I've sought for so many years.
For the life of me, I do not know why the unconscious mind is so vile and despicable. Shouldn't I also find something decent or pure there as well? Or are we totally base at our most basic level? This may be a mystery too great for me. I certainly do not have the answer at this time, and truth be told I'm not sure I care to know. All I know is that I will never give up the fight.
So despite my persistent issue, I'm pressing on. God moved to awaken something inside me a year ago, and I just can't let go. Perhaps one day I will make sense of it and perchance resolve it. For now I can only hope that each step I take is leading me to some decent place, though I traverse the path in darkness and occasionally despair for all the shadows.