IN THE DEPTHS
Turning to face God's life in me is a wondrous, yet difficult, unfolding, a dance between Christ in me, others, and all creation. It's a process the soul submits to, an undertaking we merely stand as witness to when we relent from our ceaseless striving to be Eve. I’ve recently written of the quality of words, and now understand, at least in part, why this unfolding takes time. The awakened soul may utter great mysteries about all you choose to disclose, but you want my heart and hands as well as my mind. As far as I can tell, descriptions of walking the path ensures I’ll only ever write lovely adventure tales. Instead, you throw me into the fire, where change is a lived experience.
It’s patently obvious I resist this at times. When results are slow in coming, I doubt your judgment and seek to take charge. Ultimately, I doubt because the lack of observable progress causes me to lose touch with who I really am. I lose myself in hate, and love is the only hope I have of finding me again. Time and time again I falter, but the truth is never far. For love is what's in my depths, beneath the pain and confusion, and love is who I am. It's the foundation upon which anything lasting can ever be built, the very bedrock of what it means to be human.
That brings me to where I am, where God holds me in silence while he works on me at a depth my conscious mind just can't go. Despite the hardship and my immensely fragile faith, I only want to know one thing: God's outpouring love flowing through me like a river. It's so simple, almost childlike, that my soul’s deepest need is to be loved as I am, that the same me I judge and long to hide in the darkness is the me God loves and wants to draw into the light. Beyond the longing for this transformative love, I know nothing at all right now.
This singular desire has rendered me a simpleton in this dark night of the senses, and for once in my life I’m okay with this. I used to hold God in my conscious thoughts like a possession, like a Rubik's Cube I could fumble around with and solve. Having let Him go, he's ventured below the horizon where I can’t meddle with his work. If I see Him again, may he erupt from the deep - an iceberg breaking through into the light, the visible incarnation of a deep, unseen, stabilizing force. This is my prayer, that he will see this work of love to its completion. It's all I ask for anymore. It's all I know. Everything else in my life is a derivative of its truth. It’s slowly reordering my desires to align with whatever destiny He has in mind for me and empowers me to receive it in faith.