HUMILITY AND LOVE
My recurring depression has confounded me for years. For some reason, no matter what great awakening occurs, no matter the accomplishment, my demons always manage to catch up. They’re clever and understand any efforts to build myself up will fail so long as the foundation isn't sound. So, no matter what I build, it's just a matter of time before the Mephistophelean winds and rains topple it.
In his mercy, God has illuminated the flaws in my foundation. In my shadow, I carry an outsized measure of pride. It's not the typical pride that’s obvious and obnoxious; rather, it's a sense that I'm special and that life owes me something. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember, and it’s prevented me from experiencing genuine humility before life, others, and God. I have feigned humility at times, but it was really shame masquerading as humility - shame when I wasn't extraordinary or superior compared to my peers or my self-imposed expectations.
Also in his mercy, he has bent the currents of life, both internal and external, to highlight this shortcoming in me. As my efforts to maintain or rebuild my station in life repeatedly failed to produce results in keeping with my standards, I was beaten further and further down - each time shame roaring like a lion. For a time, the depression that ensued was most terrible. I felt utterly alone and completely worthless, not realizing my pride was behind it and effectively leveraging shame because my life experiences had become severely incongruent with my notion of myself.
At the time when I was the lowest, however, I experienced something perfectly suited to unseat my pride: God's unfailing love. Despite everything I've lost and all my failings to get it back, despite my weakness, impotence, and brokenness, he did not hesitate to approach me. In fact, it was like meeting him for the first time – as if I had not known him until that moment. He showed me that his love for me is ever-present, freely given, and always as abundant in measure as my poor heart can bear. And it couldn’t bear it, could not comprehend it, but was granted the grace to accept it when I couldn’t love myself. In that moment, love taught me the meaning of humility and, in turn, humility taught me love. I'd spoken of such mysteries like unconditional love, partially understood but never really experienced, and then, when all seemed to be unravelling, it was revealed in a manner unexpected and wondrous.